6 Down, 2 to Go.

Top 10 List of Reasons it's Time for My Husband to Come Home:

10.  The boys have turned on me and decided to boycot my girly hair products.

9.  It's not worth it to clear the piles of laundry off of my bed, so I have been sleeping creatively.

8.  I'm on day 3 of the same bottle of wine...it doesn't taste so good on day 3.

7.  The gal that did my audit today thought I was crazy...my first meaningful adult interaction in 3 days and I was chatting up a storm.  I may have bordered on stalker.

6.  I fell asleep watching 24.  This, is a travesty.

5.  I put on Fox news yesterday, just to make me feel like he was here.

4.  I watched the Bachelor Finale.  This too, is a travesty.  He would have definitely talked me off that ledge.

3.  The hot tub cover has  about 2 1/2 feet of rain water on it, and the kids were watering the plants with it today.

2.  I'm not sure how much longer I can hold off "knock down the daddy"...I mean, "mommy".

1.  I actually talked back to the TV tonight....really.

Taxes

Every year around February, Grandma Flo and I start coordinating our schedules to get together for tax season.  It is always a busy time of year, and to be honest, it ends up as another item on my "to do" list to get checked off.  But, every year, after the 3 or so hours that I spend in Grandma Flo's back room pouring through all of her paperwork for the year, I leave with a deep sense of thankfulness.

I think there is an honesty that comes between people when they are looking through finances.  There are no secrets.  There is nothing that can be hidden.  This immediately puts us in a very straightforward state of mind.  We talk about her life....and we talk about her death.  We talk about her hopes for the future, and memories of hopes in her past.  But most importantly, I learn so much about this wonderful gift of a woman and her life.  There is something new to know each and every year.

I am always amazed as I search through all of the check registers and credit card receipts of my 90 year old grandmother.  Among my favorite charges are the ones in languages from all over the world.  As I look for tax write offs, I am entertained by stories of trips here and there, how she stays with friends that she knows from previous travels, sketches on cruise ships and sits at the captain's table, is worshipped in a small Italian villiage as she is introdued as "Grandmother".  She shows me sketches, like they are photographs, of places she loved and memories that she recalls.  These precious pieces of art are mingled in with receipts, credit card offers and phone bills.  We talk about purchases, which lead to more memories, of her husband, of her 4 kids....stories upon stories....that I would never have heard, had it not been for taxes.

So this year, I would like to say, that I am thankful for taxes.

Showing Up.

I was asked to speak at our Women's Retreat for our church this past weekend. To be honest, I regretted agreeing to this request almost immediately as I started to wonder what in the world I would have to talk about. The past few months have been a bit rocky, spending most of my time ducking in and out of school drop off and pick up with a baseball cap, sweats, no makeup and sporting a very light but distinct shade of green. This little baby is giving me just as tough of a time as my other two, and looking back, I have honestly spent the last 2 months spiraling myself down into quite a rut.

I almost emailed the head of the retreat to back out (yes, because God forbid I actually would have to have a conversation with someone). I mean, really, who could be LESS inspirational than me....? The clencher was that the theme of the retreat was hope (insert sarcastic laugh here). If anything, you could describe me at best as hope 'challenged'.

Well, I prayed about it. I thought about it. My first decision was to go through with it, but to talk about my childhood....maybe I could even talk about my husband, who was baptized this year (yes! that is an amazing idea...I could totally take the focus off of me completely!) I plotted it out and the plan was brilliant. Brilliant, except for the fact that it completely defeated the purpose, a purpose that I was not yet aware of. In fact, as I put together the goodie bags for the retreat and ironically had to stamp the word "hope" on 100 gift bags, the process of finding that purpose began.

As a look back on my relationship with God over this lifetime, I can't help compare it a little to the stock market. If you look at the history of the market from 1950 to today, it consistently rises over the long term, but there are MANY peaks and valleys along the way. Some peaks and valleys are huge, some not so huge, and there are even times when things stay fairly steady. These past few months for me have closely resembled what happend to the market in Sept/Oct 2008...a sharp and definite decline that proceeded day after day after day...not knowing when it would "bottom out". This, is not a good place to be. And how in the world did I get here? Actually, I know exactly how I got here...I have not been "showing up".

I hate to admit it, but God is not going to speak to me through "Friends" re-runs on tv, which I have come to love as my little escape from reality. I have not "shown up" anywhere really, the past 2 months. I truly believe that God is trying to speak to us constantly...whether it is through going to a church service, spending some time reading our bible, having lunch with good friends or even listening to music. In fact, I remember last year when we went through my ectopic pregnancy, distincitly being spoken to through a song that randomly turned on as my ipod was on shuffle...that song changed my whole attitude about what we were going through, it was a clear message directed only to me. That message? God's love is always there...through the ups and downs...he holds us close and lets his love surround us. In a time of contemplating gifts given and gifts taken away, and tears that flowed constantly, THIS was the message that I needed to hear.

It is our responsiblity to show up, always to show up to hear God. And in the ups and downs of life, relationships, finances, kids, our hope can be placed in the fact that we are loved, unconditionally, even when we are not very loveable.

Romans 8:38: For I am convinced, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

So, that was the message I delievered to 100 women...when times are tough, just show up. Because in our pain, we can be given strength. In our emptiness, we can be given faith. In our fear, we can be given courage. We just need to open our ears, and our hearts. Ironically, by showing up, I not only heard God's message loud and clear, but was used by God at my worst. I am moving forward with a new sense of hope and purpose, and I thank the Lord for that.

T-Ball Tales.

Picture This:

10 6 year old boys, on the baseball field with black shirts and hats, 75 degrees out and no shade and it is the 3rd inning of a 4 inning game.  It doesn't sound too bad, but for 6 year olds, after 3 innings, the kids get a little squirmy.  They just came into the 'dugout' after being in the outfield (chasing butterflies, rolling in the grass, etc,).  The kids are hot, a little ready for the game to be done, and now they are all lined up on their buckets, waiting to go up to bat.  Then, it comes, the dreaded sound that every parent fears.  The sound of the "ice cream man".  It's like the sound of heaven to these kids....and they all simultaneously turn their heads to their respective parents, hopeful for a nod or a promise for an ice cream after the game.  Of course, there would be no ice cream in the middle of the baseball game, right?

There is always that one parent.  She did it....the unthinkable...brought her child a snowcone while waiting to go up to bat. 

When I tell you that every other child on that team melted down is an understatement.  It was like a T-ball team standoff.  Each of those boys was totally and completely consumed with the fact that this team-member was waiting to go up to bat with a big snow cone in his hand and the rest of the kids?  NOTHING.  Now, really.  What was that mom thinking?  What EXACTLY did she think was going to happen?  Everyone would just ignore the freakin snow cone?

Yes, I am thirty four and just said "freakin snowcone".   

That's it.  Just had to vent a little bit.  The End.