I almost emailed the head of the retreat to back out (yes, because God forbid I actually would have to have a conversation with someone). I mean, really, who could be LESS inspirational than me....? The clencher was that the theme of the retreat was hope (insert sarcastic laugh here). If anything, you could describe me at best as hope 'challenged'.
Well, I prayed about it. I thought about it. My first decision was to go through with it, but to talk about my childhood....maybe I could even talk about my husband, who was baptized this year (yes! that is an amazing idea...I could totally take the focus off of me completely!) I plotted it out and the plan was brilliant. Brilliant, except for the fact that it completely defeated the purpose, a purpose that I was not yet aware of. In fact, as I put together the goodie bags for the retreat and ironically had to stamp the word "hope" on 100 gift bags, the process of finding that purpose began.
As a look back on my relationship with God over this lifetime, I can't help compare it a little to the stock market. If you look at the history of the market from 1950 to today, it consistently rises over the long term, but there are MANY peaks and valleys along the way. Some peaks and valleys are huge, some not so huge, and there are even times when things stay fairly steady. These past few months for me have closely resembled what happend to the market in Sept/Oct 2008...a sharp and definite decline that proceeded day after day after day...not knowing when it would "bottom out". This, is not a good place to be. And how in the world did I get here? Actually, I know exactly how I got here...I have not been "showing up".
I hate to admit it, but God is not going to speak to me through "Friends" re-runs on tv, which I have come to love as my little escape from reality. I have not "shown up" anywhere really, the past 2 months. I truly believe that God is trying to speak to us constantly...whether it is through going to a church service, spending some time reading our bible, having lunch with good friends or even listening to music. In fact, I remember last year when we went through my ectopic pregnancy, distincitly being spoken to through a song that randomly turned on as my ipod was on shuffle...that song changed my whole attitude about what we were going through, it was a clear message directed only to me. That message? God's love is always there...through the ups and downs...he holds us close and lets his love surround us. In a time of contemplating gifts given and gifts taken away, and tears that flowed constantly, THIS was the message that I needed to hear.
It is our responsiblity to show up, always to show up to hear God. And in the ups and downs of life, relationships, finances, kids, our hope can be placed in the fact that we are loved, unconditionally, even when we are not very loveable.
Romans 8:38: For I am convinced, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
So, that was the message I delievered to 100 women...when times are tough, just show up. Because in our pain, we can be given strength. In our emptiness, we can be given faith. In our fear, we can be given courage. We just need to open our ears, and our hearts. Ironically, by showing up, I not only heard God's message loud and clear, but was used by God at my worst. I am moving forward with a new sense of hope and purpose, and I thank the Lord for that.
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